Bittersweet Addiction

You caught me off guard
Before I knew what had struck me
You were under my skin
Penetrating my crumbling defences
With needle-thin rays of an alien sweet and bright luminosity
Lighting up my stillness
Making me feel dangerously completed
Dangerously relaxed
Strangely at home
Weaving your presence around me
Creating a cosy cocoon around my aloneness
Making me realise I still have those needs
That have been dormant for years
Because I managed to successfully deny them to myself
And in fulfilling those all but forgotten needs
You have made me vulnerable
So vulnerable
So needy and longing
And I have forgotten how to handle vulnerability
I no longer know how to respond to my own needs
I have no other answer to my longing than anger
Anger that you still by infusing glowing-golden drops of honey
Into my blood
A touch
A smile
A soft edge in your voice
Making me addicted
Addicted to the goodness in you
Addicted and helpless
And helplessly angry at my helplessness
I don’t want to need you
But even more
I don’t want not to